How to Survive a Horror Movie
by The Grimreaper PT
Summary: Basically Sam and Dean are investigating some mysterious disappearances when they find themselves in the terrorverse. If anyone can survive the film all the way to the end it's the Winchesters. Just some horror genre sillyness and geeky movie references.
1. The Harbingers of Doom

Note: I've wanted to write this fic for a long time now. It's a combination of my love of Supernatural, Horror, and a little book I picked up randomly one day called 'How to survive a horror movie' by Seth Grahame-Smith. I figured that if anyone had a chance to survive a horror movie through to the end it would be the Winchesters.

Also please review, I get a nervous whenever I post a new story.

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Chapter 1- The harbingers of doom

They had been driving a long time before they finally pulled into the deserted looking gas station and they still had a long way to go, even by their standards. Dean laughed humourlessly as he looked around. This place looked straight out of a bad slasher flick. The pumps were old and rusty looking and the main building looked like nothing more than a glorified shed. He half expected to see captain Spaulding in full make-up standing behind the counter, when they opened the door. He grinned for real this time. Sam would freak out something rotten if they did: a creepy guy in clown make up with a museum of freakish taxidermy projects.

Sam was also taken aback at how creepy the place was, and it took a lot to creep them out. They were in the middle of nowhere looking into some mysterious disappearances, and the only building it seemed between them and their destination was this rickety old gas station.

Inside was no less cheery than the outside. Dean however was slightly disappointed when an old man came through from the back of the shop instead of the fictional character he was expecting, but he was still fitting with the horror genre. The old man shuffled slowly from the back room, looking suitably annoyed at being disturbed. "What do you want?" he asked in a gruff voice. Dean had to bite his lip to stop from laughing out loud. This was just getting ridiculous. Sam nudged him harshly in the ribs before moving ahead of him to pay for their petrol and get some snacks for the rest of their time on the road. Dean left him to it and examined the shelves around him.

Just as Sam reached for his wallet he was stopped by his brother, who looked as if he was about to burst with mirth. He had a book in his hands, which he placed swiftly on the counter. "This as well please" Frowning slightly Sam turned the book so that he could read the cover and then groaned. 'How to Survive a Horror Movie' Dean suddenly looked all innocence. "What Sam, its research. Here we are on the way to a mysterious log cabin in the middle of nowhere. I'm only being prepared." Sighing Sam handed the money over. But the man grabbed him by the wrist just as they were turning to leave.

"You don't want to be heading up to those cabins sonny." Dean barked out a laugh, but Sam turned back to the man. "Why?" he asked, but the man just shook his head and walked back through to the back room. "Oh we're so gonna get killed by some axe wielding maniac" Dean laughed as they got back into the car, Sam in the driver's seat instead of Dean this time, but the road looked exactly the same. As Dean opened the new book up and started to read, Sam glanced back at the gas station one last time. _"Let's hope not"_ He thought.


	2. The truth is staring you in the face

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Chapter 2- Sometimes the Truth is Staring You in the Face

Sam tried to ignore the small amused noises coming from Dean as he leant against the door reading his 'hilarious' new book. It was made all the more difficult however, as every couple of minutes Dean would read something out loud to him.

"Ha! Listen to this bit. How do you know if you are in a horror movie? Take a look at yourself. Are you or any of your companions wearing a varsity letter jacket? Is there an achingly attractive yet sexually paralysed female in your midst? Do all your friends look suspiciously like cast members from Smallville or Gilmore Girls?"

Sam rolled his eyes as Dean laughed again before continuing.

"Determine if you fit any of the classic horror movie character stereotypes."

Dean stopped reading then overcome with hysterics, but Sam couldn't see why.

"What's so funny" he asked eventually glancing away from the road for a second to look at his brother who had apparently gone mad. Dean wiped his eyes trying to calm down long enough to explain.

"It's this first one. 'The nice guy with the monosyllabic first name'. That's so you SAM"

Then he disintegrated in another fit of laughter. Finally having enough of his brother's antics Sam snatched the book away from him. He couldn't really refute Dean's claim, but he could find some silly horror movie stereotype to apply to his annoying sibling. Glancing quickly between the open pages and the road he grinned.

"What about this one Dean, number six; 'The sex-crazed Asshole'"

Dean however did not find it as hilarious as he snatched the book back.

"Shut up Sam"

He continued reading, and laughing quietly but he didn't read out any passages for a while. Sam meanwhile made the most of the newly found quiet to concentrate on where they were going.

Soon however they were lost and Sam had to pull over so that he could look at the map. He had asked Dean to have a look but apparently the elder Winchester was no longer talking to him.

While Sam looked over the map Dean was becoming more and more worried. The book didn't seem as funny as it had done a moment ago, which was ridiculous. But it was difficult enough most days to believe that their life wasn't one long horror movie, But when they were lost on their way to a log cabin in the middle of nowhere that used to be part of a now abandoned summer camp after leaving an abandoned looking gas station where he had somehow picked up a book on surviving a horror movie. The section he was currently reading did not help the situation either. It explained about harbingers of doom, especially those taking the form of old men working at abandoned looking gas stations who warn you not to go to the wood cabin or whatever. That coupled with the fact that they were apparently lost made him a little nervous. Although he would not admit it to Sam any time soon.

Once they were on their way again however, Dean did not feel any better. For the last half an hour it had felt as if they were going round and round in circles. He tried to laugh it off.

"Hey Sammy, if we pass a corn field we are definitely in a horror movie, this place is creepy."

Sam snorted and rolled his eyes. But his eyes widened as they turned off towards their destination. Suddenly on both sides of the single track road they were now on where huge corn fields. He looked sharply at Dean who looked terrified. Finally having enough and hoping vaguely that the unease he felt was entirely due to that damned book, Sam reached over, plucked the book from between his brother's fingers and threw it out of the window before accelerating sharply. That was quite enough of that nonsense.


	3. Take the hint already

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Chapter 3- Take the hint already

They had been travelling down the single track road for nearly half an hour when the corn fields gave way to wild looking forests. The two men sat in silence as they drove trying to get rid of the uneasy feeling they had both had due to that stupid book, and it's stupid implications. It really was ridiculous, this was their life. Moving from place to place hunting the things that go bump in the night, and they had never felt like this.

As the trees passed by on either side both the tension slowly lifted. How could they have let a stupid little book get to them? This case was just like any other and as soon as they had all the information they would figure out what was going on and save the day as always. Feeling much better Dean leant over to turn on the radio.

"Mr Sandman, send me a dream bum-bum-bum-bum. Make him the cutest that I've ever seen..."

Frowning slightly he changed the channel. Coincidence, that's all it was some ridiculous coincidence. It had absolutely nothing to do with the Halloween Slasher series.

"Earl had a baby, Baby was her name. He knew she was crazy Tiny was the same. Down behind the shed, slaughtering the hog. Slice along the belly feed it to the dog. 1 2 3, who should we kill. Every motherfucker coming up the hill..."

Click, he changed the channel again. Pussy Liquor, from House of 1000 Corpses? This was getting weird.

"I watch you tap the blood in my vein. My heart you feed on to keep you sustained. A parasite that leaves me cold and drained"

Click. Bite the hand that bleeds from Saw. Dean was starting to wish he didn't watch so many horror movies.

"I am the Candyman. Coming from bountyland. I am the Candyman. Coming from Bountyland."

He turned the radio off and sat back defeated. Alright the last one wasn't even from a horror movie. But somehow whenever he heard that ridiculous pop song he imagined Tony Todd as Candyman dancing about with the hook and everything.

Sam glanced over at his brother as he turned the radio off.

"Dude? What's wrong?"

Dean waved at the radio dismissively.

"They are all songs from Horror movies. Well except the last one"

Sam laughed, knowing full well what the pop song did to Dean's brain. But he stopped when he saw the worried expression on his brother's face.

"Are you sure? I'd never even heard the second one."

Dan grinned then.

"That's because it's from 'House of 1000 Corpses' and you never got past that scene at the beginning with Captain Spaulding."

Sam looked affronted.

"It was a creepy guy dressed as a clown Dean. Did you really expect me to sit through the whole thing?"

Dean shrugged.

"I told you man he is hardly in it after that."

They laughed together momentarily forgetting their worries. In fact they were so relieved at the release of tension that they missed the sign at the entrance to the once summer camp. It was very old and worn looking, but if they had been paying attention they would have noticed the words were clear enough. 'Camp Crystal Lake'


	4. Finally the penny drops

How to Survive a Horror Movie

Chapter 4- The Penny Finally Drops

As they pulled up in front of the cabin they were looking for Sam suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of familiarity. He really felt as if he had been here before. On this exact spot, at this exact cabin. But that was ridiculous. He hadn't been here before. Not that he could actually remember, and if they had come this way during their childhood Dean would have mentioned something. He had an almost encyclopaedic memory for what they did and where they went while they were growing up.

Dean meanwhile had seen something just off the track between the trees. Something that didn't belong. He walked over to it curiosity getting the better of him. When he reached it however he hesitated before picking it up. It was a book. 'How to Survive a Horror Movie' No it was THE book. The one Sam had thrown out of the window on their way here. He tried to think about this rationally. At the gas station, the last stop between here and civilisation there had been an entire rack of these books. Other people must have had the same idea he had, the same sense of humour. He picked up the book. It looked new. As if it hadn't been sitting there very long. The pages where not weathered in the slightest and the spine had hardly been cracked. As if it had only been opened a couple of times. He opened it at a random page and looked down at the words in disbelief.

_Determine how you came to own this book:_

_In movies, things rarely happen without a reason. Therefore the simple fact that you're holding a book called 'How to survive a horror movie' means somebody's trying to tell you something. Think hard: How did you end up holding this book?_

_I'm just browsing in a bookstore.- There's still a chance it's just a coincidence. Be warned, though. If you take this thing to the cash register and buy it, your chances of being in a horror movie go through the roof._

Dean went to close the book when something else on the next page caught his eye.

_4- I found it in the woods. _

He slammed the book shut. No, it was crazy, really crazy. They were not in a horror movie. He refused to believe it. It was only then that Dean noticed the receipt someone had been using as a bookmark. That wasn't unusual, he had been known to do that himself. In fact he had done that only today when he had been reading his own copy of this book. He had used the gas receipt as a bookmark so that he wouldn't have to look for a random scrap of paper or fold down the corners (Sam always nagged him when he did that). Curiously flicking to the page the marker was at he glanced at the date on the receipt. Maybe he could confirm which of the previous victims had bought the book.

Sam was still looking around trying to place his feelings of déjà vu when he heard Dean make a strangled noise in his throat. He turned to see his brother striding towards him, his face pale and looking more than a little sick. When Dean reached him he forced the book into his hands.

"Look at the bookmark Sammy" he said quietly.

He looked. The receipt was dated with today's date. Not only that but the list of items purchased was eerily familiar. Sam looked at his brother questioningly, maybe it was just a joke. Maybe Dean had put the receipt in the book and pretended to find it amongst the trees. But he had thrown the book out of the window himself, Dean's improvised bookmark and all. He glanced down at the page the receipt had been marking and tried not to panic.

_Stay away from Cabins_

_Cabins are the bug zappers of the Horror movie universe. A place where the more gullible of our species are weeded out in one gruesome instant. If you enter a cabin, any cabin anywhere in the world, you will be dead within 24 hours._

"We are so screwed" Dean said while Sam just nodded.


End file.
